oh, its yo.

so seven months into a diagnosis, four months into radiation therapy, one month into everything being over and done with it all starts again and not a single soul has the right thing to say because you. dont. get it. 

so tell me that this shit sucks and youre sorry then leave it alone and i will feel so much better.

youre welcome. now you dont have to awkwardly think of the right thing to say in a random moment where we just stare at each other after you ask me whats wrong and i tell you.

it was four then five six seven now i dont know how much longer and i dont care to wait any longer. lets fix it get better get back to when i felt a heart not the growing and the aching and the pains in my head. youve been so so so patient you were better than me and so i stay and i pretend things are just like they seem but theyre not i cant wait to make it all stop. and so one day well pay for how careless you are and how selfish i am and how its all been a show but lets just wait it out and so please dont leave my side. you are stronger than i am and im worse than you know but keep me up and maybe even i will believe you that things are better than we know.

coffee and the remote while you do my duties. ill pay you back in love.

make me think of buckets of red paint, sagging views through windows, something about the corner of your bed, lyrics completely twisted, four numbers i cant replace, that white picket fence, an old man in the distance, looking at you through some framework.

he fits so nicely next to her and she tries not to look over, theres something in the room and it hangs over everyones head so she chooses his shoulder instead. ill think of the way the fingers go this way and that, and starting all over when you pause and you look new. this one i will keep to myself and no one will know she has made up her mind with this man in towe. something tells me it will see things further down the road than he thought. should we hold on and go along and whisper things in our ears that no one can hear except for you and me and the breeze, and it would go on forever. you were four days too late but i dont mind. play me the music and make me watch him with dreams in the notes as they jump from the skin on your body.

it was only a few back when i took it all down and thank god because i dont want you back. no not now or not ever and its probably too soon but his hands on my face make it all worth my time. and theres no rhyme no reason in your heart but sing to me sing to me and ill watch you and its the hole thats been missing. there was an idea i once had and it was only the other day and there it was and she knew it and i jumped in head first and its going to be messy and i cannot wait. so drive me around because the waters they move and i sit and ill stare at you and i want this this instant. youll tell me one day ill get mad and i will and its only the truth but please make me stay. im not in a hurry to go leaving now but i wish she would go and this thing would be easy since id never look back and id take your sweet hands and wed go climb the mountains and youd sing to my heart and id think of words to write down about all the long minutes.